For some adults, an ADHD diagnosis comes as a surprise. For others, it feels as though somebody has finally handed them the missing piece of a puzzle they have been trying to solve for decades.
Perhaps you’ve always been described as disorganised, forgetful, overly sensitive, impulsive or someone who “just needs to try harder”. You may have struggled at school despite knowing you were capable, found everyday tasks disproportionately exhausting, or wondered why other people seemed able to organise their lives without the same enormous effort.
Discovering, or even beginning to suspect, that ADHD may be part of the picture can bring relief. But it can bring other emotions too.
ADHD in adults: what might it look like?
ADHD isn’t simply about being unable to sit still or concentrate. In adults, it can affect attention, organisation, time management and impulse control, and the way it presents varies considerably from one person to another.
The NHS provides more information about ADHD in adults, including symptoms, assessment and treatment.
Some common signs can include:
- being easily distracted, even when you genuinely want to concentrate
- regularly losing your keys, phone, glasses or other belongings
- starting tasks enthusiastically but struggling to finish them
- procrastinating until a deadline creates enough pressure to act
- difficulty judging how long something will take
- forgetting appointments, messages or everyday jobs
- feeling restless or finding it difficult to switch off
- interrupting or speaking before you’ve had time to think
- becoming overwhelmed when several things need your attention
- struggling with organisation at home or work
None of these things on their own means someone has ADHD. We can all be forgetful, distracted or overwhelmed from time to time. With ADHD, the pattern usually stretches back into childhood and has a meaningful effect on everyday life.
“So it wasn’t because I was lazy?”
For people diagnosed later in life, understanding ADHD can cause them to look back at their history very differently.
That can be enormously validating.
It can also hurt.
Maybe a teacher told you that you were bright but careless. Perhaps your family became frustrated because you were always late, forgot things or seemed not to listen. At work, you may have watched colleagues apparently sail through tasks that left you frazzled.
Over the years, those experiences can become part of the story you tell yourself:
I’m lazy.
I’m unreliable.
I never finish anything.
I’m too much.
Why can’t I just get myself organised?
Receiving an ADHD diagnosis at 40, 50 or 60 doesn’t simply explain how your brain works today. It can make you reconsider years of experiences from a completely different perspective.
And alongside relief can come grief.
The complicated emotions after a late ADHD diagnosis
It is quite possible to feel relieved and angry at the same time.
Relieved that there is finally an explanation. Angry that nobody recognised it sooner.
There can be sadness for the child who was repeatedly misunderstood, or for opportunities that might have unfolded differently with the right support. Some people revisit difficult relationships, school reports, career choices and family conflicts and begin asking, Would things have been different if I had known?
There may also be resentment towards people who criticised behaviours you now understand differently.
Counselling gives those feelings somewhere to go.
The purpose isn’t to spend sessions blaming parents, teachers or previous partners. Often they simply didn’t understand what was happening either. Instead, counselling can help you separate who you are from the labels you accumulated along the way.
For some people, this also means rebuilding self-esteem and confidence after years of feeling they were somehow getting things wrong.
That can be an important part of adjusting to a diagnosis.
How can counselling help with ADHD?
Counselling doesn’t remove ADHD, nor is it a replacement for medical assessment or treatment. But it can help with the emotional and practical consequences of living with ADHD.
Together, we might explore:
- the impact of years of feeling misunderstood
- self-esteem and the beliefs you have developed about yourself
- anxiety, overwhelm or low mood
- difficulties within relationships
- shame or guilt about things you find difficult
- boundaries and communicating what you need
- adjusting emotionally to a diagnosis
- practical ways to work with your ADHD rather than constantly fighting against it
A late diagnosis can also prompt wider questions about work, relationships and identity. Counselling can provide space to explore those life changes and consider what you want to do differently going forward.
ADHD can affect relationships too. Forgetfulness, impulsivity, difficulty listening when distracted or becoming overwhelmed during conflict can easily be misunderstood by a partner. Relationship counselling can help couples understand what is happening beneath these patterns and find more constructive ways to communicate.
The ADHD Foundation also provides useful support and resources for adults with ADHD.
What if I think I have ADHD but haven’t been diagnosed?
This is something we can talk about too.
I cannot diagnose ADHD. A formal diagnosis needs to be made by an appropriately qualified ADHD specialist.
What I can do is use recognised screening questionnaires with you to explore whether you are experiencing traits associated with ADHD. A screening questionnaire isn’t a diagnosis, but it can help you make sense of what you are experiencing and decide whether you would like to speak to your GP or pursue a specialist assessment.
Importantly, you don’t need to wait for a diagnosis before seeking counselling for difficulties that are affecting you now.
If you are struggling with overwhelm, self-esteem, relationships, anxiety or years of feeling that somehow you don’t quite fit, those experiences are worthy of support in their own right.
Living with ADHD: small changes can make daily life easier
There is no perfect ADHD routine, and what works brilliantly for one person may be useless for another. The aim is not to force yourself to become more organised through sheer willpower.
Try making life easier for the brain you actually have.
Put things where you use them
If you always lose your keys, give them one obvious home by the door. Reduce the number of things you have to remember.
Get information out of your head
Use reminders, calendars, notes and alarms. Writing something down isn’t cheating; it’s creating external support for your memory.
Make the first step very small
“Sort the house” is overwhelming. “Put the mugs in the dishwasher” is achievable. Starting often makes the next step easier.
Allow more time than you think you’ll need
If running late is a familiar problem, work backwards from when you need to arrive rather than when you think you need to leave.
Protect sleep and movement where you can
Regular sleep, exercise and daily structure can all be helpful parts of managing ADHD.
Notice how you speak to yourself
A missed appointment or unfinished job is frustrating. It doesn’t need to become evidence that you’re a failure.
Perhaps most importantly, stop expecting every strategy to work forever. ADHD brains can become bored with systems. If the beautiful new planner works for three weeks and then doesn’t, that isn’t a moral failing.
Change the system.
Understanding yourself differently
A diagnosis later in life can’t change what has already happened. But it can change the meaning you attach to it.
Understanding ADHD can offer an opportunity to look back with greater compassion and to move forward knowing more about what you need, what makes life harder and what helps.
If you recognise yourself in some of this, you don’t need to arrive at counselling with everything neatly worked out.
I offer a warm, non-judgemental space where we can explore what is happening for you and what might help. I offer in-person counselling in Wetherby, as well as online counselling for clients further afield.
If you’d like to find out whether working together feels right, I offer a free 10-minute discovery call.