Valentine’s Day can be a lovely moment to reconnect. But for many couples, it can also highlight the same old pattern: one person wants to talk things through, the other shuts down; one asks for reassurance, the other needs space.
Many of the clients I work with in Wetherby describe exactly these cycles — wanting to feel close, but getting stuck in patterns that leave both people feeling alone.
A helpful way to make sense of relationship patterns is attachment theory. It suggests that our earliest bond with a caregiver can influence how we form emotional bonds later in life — including how we cope with closeness, conflict, reassurance and vulnerability.
Below, I’ll explain the four main attachment styles and how they can show up in everyday relationship moments — plus a few gentle ways to start changing the cycle.
What are attachment styles?
Attachment theory suggests that, as children, we learn how safe relationships feel based on how our caregivers respond to us — especially when we’re upset, frightened, or in need of comfort.
When care is generally warm and reliable, we’re more likely to grow up with a steady sense that closeness is safe. When care is inconsistent, unavailable, or overwhelming, we may adapt by becoming more anxious about losing connection, more avoidant of emotional dependence, or pulled between the two.
These patterns aren’t anyone’s fault; they’re often protective strategies that made sense at the time, and they can continue to show up in adult relationships. Most people recognise traits from more than one style, especially when stressed.
The four attachment styles (and how they show up in relationships)
1) Secure attachment
Secure attachment doesn’t mean “never triggered”. It usually means you can feel wobbly and still believe your relationship can handle it.
How it can look day to day
- You can be affectionate without feeling overwhelmed
- You trust your partner cares, even when you disagree
- You’re able to ask for what you need (and hear a “no” without panic)
- Repair after conflict feels possible
In arguments: you’re more likely to stay present, listen and work towards understanding.
Valentine’s reminder: Secure love is often quiet and consistent. Small acts of care matter.
A helpful repair script
“I care about us. Can we slow down and try this again more gently?”
2) Anxious attachment
Anxious attachment often shows up when connection feels uncertain. Your nervous system can go into high alert quickly, even if nothing “big” has happened.
How it can look day to day
- Waiting for a reply can feel unbearable, and your mind fills in gaps
- You may seek reassurance, not because you want drama, but because you want stability
- When you feel distance, you might try to close it fast
Around Valentine’s Day
Expectations can feel loaded: “If they really loved me, they’d…” That can create pressure (on you and your partner).
What helps
- Clear, direct requests rather than hints
- Reassurance that is consistent, not only offered after things escalate
- Practising self-soothing before asking the question
3) Fearful avoidant attachment
Fearful avoidant attachment can feel like wanting closeness deeply, but also bracing for it to hurt. You may move towards love, then feel exposed once it’s there.
How it can look day to day
- You crave intimacy, then feel exposed once you get it
- You pull away after a lovely moment
- You test your partner (without meaning to)
- You struggle to trust stability
In arguments: you may swing between intensity and shutdown, or feel flooded by emotion.
Around Valentine’s Day Big gestures can feel intense. You might want romance, yet feel uncomfortable with the spotlight of it.
What helps
- Slowing the pace: shorter, calmer conversations rather than long emotional marathons
- Predictable reconnection after space (so space doesn’t feel like abandonment)
- Gentle honesty without over-explaining
4) Dismissive avoidant attachment
A dismissive avoidant attachment style often values independence and self-reliance. Emotional intensity can feel like pressure, even when you genuinely care.
How it can look day to day
- You prefer to handle things alone
- You go quiet when conversations become emotional
- You minimise needs (yours or your partner’s)
- You feel uncomfortable with “big” feelings, even if you care deeply
In arguments: you may withdraw, change the subject, or focus on logic rather than emotion.
Around Valentine’s Day
The expectation to be romantic “in a certain way” may feel uncomfortable or performative, which can lead to withdrawing.
What helps
Learning that closeness doesn’t have to mean losing your independence — and practising small steps towards openness.
A helpful repair script
“I care about this, I’m just feeling overwhelmed. Can I take 20 minutes and then come back to it?”
When two attachment styles clash (the common cycle)
One of the most common relationship loops is anxious + avoidant.
- The anxious partner seeks reassurance and connection
- The avoidant partner feels pressured and needs space
- The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws
- Both end up feeling unheard
The goal isn’t to decide who is “right”. It’s to spot the pattern and name it gently, so you can work as a team rather than opponents.
A simple agreement that helps many couples
If you notice you get stuck in a pursue–withdraw cycle, agree this before the next argument (when you’re both calm):
- We can ask for a pause without it being punishment
- We name a return time (for example, 20–40 minutes)
- We come back and start with: “What did you hear me say?” before responding
This works because it protects space and connection — the avoidant partner gets breathing room, and the anxious partner gets certainty that the conversation will continue.
“The aim isn’t to win; it’s to understand each other well enough to repair.”
Can attachment styles change?
Yes. With awareness, practice, and counselling, attachment patterns can shift.
The aim isn’t to label yourself or your partner. It’s to understand what’s happening underneath the surface and build stronger foundations of communication, boundaries and emotional safety.
If you’d like support
If you recognise these patterns and want to change them, relationship counselling can offer a safe, non-judgemental space where both of you feel heard.
If you’re looking for relationship counselling in person in Wetherby, I support individuals and couples to understand their attachment patterns, improve communication, and build emotional safety. If you’re further afield, I also offer online appointments
I offer a free 10-minute discovery call for anyone considering relationship counselling.
FAQs
1) What is attachment theory in simple terms?
Attachment theory suggests our early bond with caregivers can influence how we handle closeness, trust and emotional safety in adult relationships.
2) Can I have more than one attachment style?
Yes. Many people recognise a main pattern, but stress, life events and relationship dynamics can bring out different responses.
3) Is an anxious attachment style the same as being “needy”?
No. It often reflects a learned fear that the connection might be uncertain. With support, it can become more secure and balanced.
4) Do avoidant partners care less?
Not necessarily. Avoidant patterns often protect against feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable. The need for space isn’t always a lack of love.
5) How do we stop the anxious–avoidant cycle?
Start by naming the pattern without blame, agree a pause during conflict, and create a plan for reconnection (for example: “20 minutes to cool off, then we come back and talk”).
6) Can counselling help with attachment styles?
Yes. Counselling can help you understand triggers, communicate needs more clearly, and build a safer way of relating — individually or as a couple.